i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
