Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
