my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
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