I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
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