Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
