i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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