dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize
