you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
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