it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
