The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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