apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
