I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
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