the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
She's just so happy...and so naked.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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