woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
