U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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