im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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