thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Randomize
