Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
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