I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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