I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
