Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
