Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
