If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
