Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
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