Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
