They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Randomize
