we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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