Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
