i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
