I'm gonna have a badass scar
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
i drank out of a bidet.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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