My first STD was from a foam party
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
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