Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
