My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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