i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
