ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
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