i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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