its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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