Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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