She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
