chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
