On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
