ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
