...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
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