Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
