Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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