I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Randomize
