i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize
