Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Dear god my vagina.
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