Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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