"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Randomize
