It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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