Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Randomize
